COVID-19 Working Mom Tales — Phases of WFH with my kids

I ended up having my kids out of daycare for about 6 months. As I mentioned in my post about my kids’ transition back to daycare, there’s no one-size-fits all daycare decision during these times. And it’s my opinion that you have to do what’s best for you and your family, and give yourself some grace whatever you decide. Because speaking from experience, I have felt guilt over both decisions (to take them out, and to send them back). And as fellow parents, we need to respect each other’s decisions; everyone is dealing with a lot right now, and we need to extend grace in our daily lives, as we may have no idea what others are dealing with behind the scenes.

At the beginning of the lockdown, I told my husband, “I can probably do it for a few weeks, but after that…I don’t know.” And I think I was afraid to take my kids out of daycare, because I knew in my gut that this was not going to be just a few weeks, and I had no idea how I was going to be able to do it on top of my normal demanding day job. I made it work for a long time; way longer than I ever anticipated I could. Because initially that was what I felt was best for our family; and later, because I was in decision paralysis and to keep going as we were was easier than to make any new decision.

The week before I sent them back to school, I was reflecting back on our time and where we started in March compared to where we were in September. I was at the point where I’d lost count of how many weeks I’d even been doing this. But in my head, I saw our time at home (from daycare) together in phases:

Phase 1 — Survival mode: Holy crap, I’m so overwhelmed, I can’t breathe and how am I supposed to work like this with the kids on top of me all day. No routine or structure, straight up survival mode.

My son was refusing to wear anything but PJs for a while. I was creating “themed” days to try and get him into normal clothes — sometimes successful, sometimes not. My daughter just started crawling all over the place pretty much the day this started, and was getting into everything. Every morning I would wake up, remember what was going on and that it was a weekday, take a deep breath and ask the Lord to give me strength and help me through the day. Every Friday, I would rejoice that we’d made it through slightly unscathed, albeit totally unable to think about doing anything besides making it through the day.

Phase 2 — This is our life now: Maybe 4 weeks in, feeling like I’d gotten a handle on the situation, in that we at least had a decent routine going.

We’d take morning walks after breakfast, come back and play a bit. My daughter would take a nap and my son would help me get my coffee before I started working and he’d watch his iPad for some quiet time. I’d work with headphones on the majority of the day; I’d be chasing the kids around, battling them to get them down for naps (separation anxiety and toddler tantrums getting in the way of this), preparing lunch/bottles or changing diapers all while participating and/or leading conference calls and meetings.

My son mostly wears normal clothes now without a battle, but fights me on taking a nap pretty routinely. Sometimes he’ll take one really well; sometimes he’s on boycott and will appear by my side while I’m working without making a noise and scare the you-know-what out of me. I try to get him to go back upstairs to sleep, but he often ends up back downstairs and because I’m often in the middle of conference calls, I give up and just let him watch TV or his iPad on those days. Boxes are our friend, both for coloring and for climbing in (and a combination of the two). My colleagues are used to hearing chaos in the background and opinions from toddlers. I occasionally have to hang up and call them back when I’m dealing with screaming or crying children. But we’ve also started doing dance parties after dinner on Friday nights, as a fun way to end the week. I enjoy the extra time with the kids and am very grateful for it, but am simultaneously dying for alone time, and then feeling guilty about that.

Phase 3 — OMG how much longer will this go on: we are really used to our routine now, and have come up with some “best practices” to make it through the day mostly unscathed. But I’m also running low on mental capacity and see no end in sight. I know that I/we need something to change, but am also hesitant to make a change.

We wake up, eat breakfast, take a walk. The kids play for a little bit while I attempt to get in a brief workout in the basement (I started adding this in when I could to start my day off better). I’ll log onto my laptop and start getting organized for the day, then put my daugther down for her nap. My son watches his iPad while I get in a couple of hours of “focused” work (in quotes because I hear “can you get me a snack?” pretty routinely in the middle of my 9AM conference calls. I finally got smart and started secretly bringing one downstairs with me prior to the request).

My daughter wakes up and we get a snack, then go back downstairs. I put the gate up and let them play while I work in the guest room — often needing to take something away from her or interject between the two of them if he doesn’t want to share something with her. We’ll go upstairs for lunch and I’m often working simultaneously with my laptop on the counter, either on conference calls going on and off mute, or answering emails mid-lunch prep/clean-up. Sometimes I don’t have calls or work “fires” during lunch and on those days, I will walk away from my laptop during lunchtime and just focus on the kids. We put on music (currently, Frozen 2 soundtrack on repeat) and I get both kids fed then I find something to eat while they run around and play .

They both go down for naps around 12:30 nowadays, and my son has been good about taking them, with the rare occasion when he says, “I’m not tired today, Mom.” He’ll play in his room or read books by himself in his room for a while on those days, at least, which is helpful and a good break time for him, too. The kids wake up and play in the basement, and we’re on repeat with conversations about sharing, playing nicely, etc. They play together pretty well in the afternoon though, and their giggles as they chase each other are adorable. My husband will get home between 3:30–4:15 depending on what time he worked that day, and I’ll get another hour-plus in of mostly kid-free work time.

There are a lot of awesome moments having the kids home with me, that I really try to soak in. Whether they are just having a ball playing together or my son is being super sweet with my daughter. Or he’ll say something thoughtful out of the blue to me, or just wants to give me a hug. And my daughter is just such a ball of joy and energy, so it’s amazing to be able to witness her adorableness all day; but she’s also incredibly curious and wants to get into everything she shouldn’t, so I’m constantly torn between work and checking to see what she’s getting into.

And so although I view it as a blessing in disguise in that I’ve been able to witness so many of her first that I wouldn’t have otherwise, and get to spend some unique time with them and feel like we are closer than before, I’m definitely at the stage where my mental capacity has worn thin. I get frustrated more easily, mostly with my son when he’s not listening or chucking toys at my heads while I’m on the phone…real life…— but then I feel guilty about being impatient with him, because I know it’s not fair. He just wants my attention and I can’t give him my full attention consistently throughout the day. I try to keep this in mind during the day, and go on mute to pay attention to what he’s asking me, or make eye contact when he needs it even if I’m dialed into something on my computer and in the zone. But I’m not perfect and I do lose my absolute mind many a day in trying to juggle everything (as demonstrated by my son picking up the phrase, “oh come ON!” mid-quarantine with me).

He’s also just not getting any learning time in — I don’t have time to be a teacher on top of everything else. He learns from his iPad and normal day-to-day interactions, but not like he probably should be, or could be, even. My daughter is pretty content and I don’t think this is impacting her as negatively as it is my son, socially. She’s now a very happy baby — she went through some separation anxiety issues during all of this, but is past that now.

My work schedule is back-to-back meetings most days, requires a lot of time on the phone and I don’t have much dedicated focus time. Even when my kids are being well behaved, it’s anxiety-inducing trying to juggle my normal work duties and being pulled in so many directions at work let alone with the two kids calling for my attention. I’ll feel it start to bubble up to where I just want to scream. Sometimes I have to just shut my computer and call it a wash until my husband gets home. And sometimes I can just wander with the kids while I am on a conference call with my headphones in, away from my computer. That helps, but more and more the moments come where I’m bubbling up and I need to just breathe in and out to remember that, I’m doing the best I can and my kids are my top priority so sometimes I just need to step away. And honestly — if my kids weren’t so generally well-behaved, I would never have made it 6 months. They really did pretty good and got used to our routine.

I hit the point though where, mostly for the sake of my and my toddler’s mental health, we decided to send the kids back to school. I just couldn’t continue to exist in the state of feeling like my brain was about to burst from being over capacity and I didn’t like how often my toddler and I were butting heads when it really was stemming from me being torn in too many directions. I’m definitely nervous about it and already feeling guilty, but feel at this point, it’s best for both my kids and I. For them and their socialization, learning, need for more consistent dedicated attention during the day and for all of our sanity (because let’s be real, my husband has not been exempt from the impact of my frustrations). Now onto Phase 4 — Daycare in the time of COVID.

Phase 4 started out a little rough (see post about transitioning back to daycare), and my kids caught colds within a week of being back. My daughter had to be COVID tested due to a high fever as well, which came back negative, thankfully. While it was stressful sending them back after keeping them home for 6 months, and it’s not a worry that’s gone from my mind, I’ve found peace with my decision that I struggled with for months, and for that I am grateful.

Whatever your current situation with your kids and daycare/school, I hope you feel supported by your crew, you and your family are staying healthy, and that you’re able to find some silver linings in this crazy year.